i got up in front of a crowd of mostly 40 year old czech men
and pitched a film about the loss of a woman’s virginity

i will leave you all to imagine how that went over.

Wow. well. let me just say, that movie was beautiful and i have a lot of feelings but its 3:40 in the morning right now so this is going to be a mess…i just have two very important things that i must say 1) i am so in love with this fandom and am overjoyed to see everyone excited about this new old story again…it really speaks volumes to the immense power of tolkien’s story telling and that gives me faith in what i do as an aspiring filmmaker! bottom line though all you fans are all BEAUTIFUL and i am proud to be amongst you again…my 10 year old elijah wood enamored self would be jumping for joy 2) secondly i must take a brief moment to return to a sad place, because it was on my mind throughout the whole film and has been for the weeks leading up to its release…i am so heartbroken that my uncle is not alive today to see this charming, faithful adaptation of a work he so passionately loved. it seems like just the other day we were watching the trailer together, laughing, excitedly discussing what we hoped peter jackson would include in the film, impatient for the film’s release, though it was only a distant rumor at that point…and though the film was by no means perfect, i think he would have loved it…with such lush cinematography, immense attention to detail, and of course, the beautiful adaptations of tolkiens songs, which he so loved! it was really wonderful, for what it was. and of course i got upset, wishing he was there feeding me little tidbits of tolkienite knowledge to expand my understanding of the film…but i was able to enjoy it, despite this nagging fear that it would never be good enough, and that seeing it just wouldn’t be right, wouldn’t be fair without him. but of course, this is silly. he would be so glad that i saw it, the way i did, with the people i did…in a new place far away from home…on my own little unexpected adventure, sort of like bilbo.

It was 10 years ago (has it really been that long?) that i sat next to my uncle in the theater, seeing the fellowship of the ring for the first time. I was completely enraptured by a story that was unlike anything i had ever seen before. Today, as I sat in a theater in a foreign country, surrounded by a handful of very new friends and a bunch of czechs, i experienced a story i knew very well in a whole new way, but the feelings remained unchanged. The warmth and beauty of the shire, the mystery and elegance of the elves, the wisdom and grandfather-like familiarity of gandalf, along with the magical nostalgia of the old soundtrack made new - all these things came together, and made me feel at home. The Hobbit is my home away from home. And i’m sure i’ll be visiting it again very soon.

feel like a huge asshole 2nite becuz i randomly went to a gay bar for the first time with a bunch of friends and ended up dancing with a bunch of lesbians and it was really fun but after a while they were all like, are you gay? and i was like…well no…not exactly and they looked at me really skeptically and immediately drifted away from me and then i felt weirdly shitty and manipulative so i left…idk man. sexuality is fluid. i kinda wanna try it out. but i feel like most lesbians have a certain degree of disdain for girls who are all like “oh a boy didn’t like me and i’m bored…lemme see what it’s like to make out with a girl!!!!1” etc etc. in other words “experimenting” kinda seems like bs. 

here’s what happens:

when i’m frustrated and dissatisfied with my work, i seek distraction and instant gratification, which often leads to a hopeless fixation on the first guy who takes a liking to me, but who i know, from the beginning, isn’t good for me, and who i strive to be with all the same.

then, on the other hand, when i’m inspired, refocused, and sufficiently stimulated by what i’m doing, it’s enough. that once all-consuming, irrational desire for someone begins to drift from my focus and is replaced by an insatiable need for artistic expression and self-understanding that motivates me to work, with hope for greater fulfillment. 

i woke up drunk today. still nursing a hangover. i have no idea if i made a good decision last night or a bad one. i feel like i shouldn’t trust an actor but weirdly everything in me wants to. he seems honest, in his words to me and in his eyes. but seeing him in his world, surrounded by his peers i began to think what i had first seen in him was something of a performance. i get a little neurotic. trying to figure out whats real, whats not. and then there is also a slight language barrier, which makes him more childlike, almost naive, endearing. but that too, seems to be a construct. something i desire and then project onto another. it’s all so analytical…and to what end? i get a strange pleasure out of picking these things apart, speculating, creating fictions from memories.
better to let it be, take it for what it was, in its simplest form, and move on. 

• making a film about a guy with angel wings
• bought some costume wings
• start killing myself over the fact that they don’t look 100% legit
• have no fucking clue how they are going to be worn with clothes
• ask myself why in the world all of my ideas have to be elaborate fantasies
• anxiety level mounts and i become incapable of concentrating on any other kind of work

fuck, man.

• running down an endless beach at low tide under a star filled sky
• splashing through phosphorescence in the water and having the sand light up every time you take a step
• swimming under the stars in just a bra and underwear, and in ice cold maine ocean water
• taking a hot outdoor shower (still in just your skivvies) in front of everyone and absolutely not giving a fuck
• having a hot guy lend you his cozy shirt for the rest of the evening, and then giving it back after an hour because you’re tough shit and you don’t need any boys clothes and you have no problem rocking your sea-water soaked shorts and t-shirt

Tonight was a great success all around. Summer is the greatest.